Sometimes it feels like that life is not going anywhere. I am running but I am not really moving. It’s, as if I’m running on a treadmill. I spend days thinking maybe my legs have turned to lead or maybe I am not supposed to be running at all. I think about the world where I am not part of this charade.
The charade to be successful and treat this life, like a grocery list. I would rather treat my life as a bucket list.
I would take experiences over titles any day, I hope. I like to believe I have the calibre of understanding the inner workings of my complex mind and this beautiful world that I am part of.
I mean thousands of stars and universes have conspired for my existence so it must be something more than just running on a treadmill.
If we can believe in God, we can believe in anything.
It seems like a vast subject but in actuality, it is not. It is just faith. And even something as pure as faith can be exploited by us mortals, partly because it sounds stupid and partly because there are atheists.
No matter who we are, where are we, we all believe in something. But for some apparent reason, my faith is pure and the other person’s needs logic and sagacity.
I do not have a brother, just a little sister. People always found it hard to perceive that we are a happy family and that my parents are in acceptance of the mechanics of biology and that they love us both enormously and unconditionally.
The questioning, the thirst for a boy child has always bothered me and sometimes made me furious but my parents always had a smile on their faces. When people asked to try for another child, they would just laugh it off.
So, one day I let my curiosity get the better of me and asked them that why don’t they defend us or explain to people why are they happy with us.
And they asked me why do they need to. They said that they raised us to be confident and understanding humans. And we don’t need defending, ever.
We are enough on our own and they don’t need to prove that to every human being they meet.
They told me that if we believe in different things than others, it doesn’t give us a right to call them wrong. We all know what our circumstances taught us.
You can make people aware of the possibilities but you can never force your beliefs or faith on them. Never.
So, it all boils down to the fact that we, the inhabitants of the earth just need to have faith and a little acceptance and we can be a big happy family.
Death, is a weird topic to discuss, to look to, to believe in.
My sister does not like to talk about death at all, while I have no problem accepting that maybe today is my last day.
A lot of people are like either me or her but there’s also a category in between, I like to call them hypocrites.
They are the people who go to temples or any praying place claiming that they want peace but they will not even think twice before hurting someone to get ahead in the line of ‘prasad.’ And to get that absolution.
Life, funnily enough, is just a distraction from Death. We are dying. And it makes me wonder that are we in acceptance with our mortality- maybe. We all know that we are dying but do we ever accept it completely- possibly.
But doesn’t this one fact makes everything worthless
like that job, this dress, that human. But it does not stop us from doing things, any kind of things.
We all find ways to benefit ourselves and disregard the idea that it might hinder others.
There will be retribution, there always is, are we ready for it?
I have always wondered what love is.
Is it something magnificent like fireworks.
Or something enthralling like double rainbows.
You see, I have never been in love.
I have loved people.
I have loved things.
I have loved ideas.
But I have never been in love.
I know it is not an earth-shattering revelation but sometimes I feel there is a glitch in my theory because I like to believe in the skipping of a heartbeat kind of love, butterflies in the stomach kind of love, hair rising at the nape of the neck kind of love, fulfilment kind of love.
But, maybe, maybe you don’t feel a burning sensation when that person touches you, maybe you don’t feel your stomach in a knot, maybe you don’t hold your breath when that person is around, maybe it’s as subtle as falling asleep.
As subtle and common as sunrises and sunsets.
And that is a problem because sunsets and sunrises are something 47 per cent of the population does not even experience in their lifetime and it is phenomenal.
I don’t want to be amongst that 47 per cent.
I sometimes get these visions of brilliant clarity. They mostly result in me changing everything possible in my life. The need or maybe greed for ‘the understanding’ has seeped to the core.
I am hungry to know, to understand this ‘thing’ I am a part of because sometimes it just feels like a game without instructions.
And sometimes it’s as simple as breathing.
It’s all just a big mystery or maybe it’s the mist clouding the senses.
“I haven’t decided if the world and everything in it are painfully complex or terribly, plainly simple.”
The sometimes painfully complex world is a beautiful puzzle waiting to be deciphered.
The sometimes terribly, plainly simple world has the allure of the sirens.
I believe I’ll never be able to make the choice.
Because the possibility of it being everything all at once is the most probable one.